Written in the early hours of Thursday, November 25th, 1998...
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There are so many things I'd like to say. First off is that unless you enjoy reading about someone else's negative feelings, you may want to turn elsewhere. This entry is less about the public seeing it and more about me reminding myself that I do sometimes have extremely negative feelings.
Like I really need to remind myself... everyone knows that the bulk of my writings are when I'm not in the best of moods. I should write more happy entries to prove that I can in fact feel happy. I was feeling happy through most of the day. My anger now probably has no logic. Does it ever, though? Maybe I'm just an over-emotional wreck who can't handle basic situations. Maybe it's the stress of little things adding up and breaking the proverbial camel's back. I love my boyfriend. I really do. He just doesn't realize that sometimes his actions make me feel a little less than human at times. There was no one specific thing that he did tonight to make me feel this way. It was many things. Most of it was joking and fun, but a certain point came along where I lost the humor. I don't even know where that point was, and for that, it's partially my fault. The gestures, innuendo, etc. just really got to me is all. At first I was laughing about it, but it crossed the line, I guess. All I know is what I felt. I felt less like a person and more like an object. Not a great object either... more like a trophy or piece of meat. I don't think my boyfriend did this on purpose. He just unwittingly crossed the undrawn line. It was like he was saying to his friends, "Look what I've got!" Maybe I just don't like feeling owned. One thing I should point out is that these emotions are for the most part irrational. I took things the wrong way and I didn't say something when it started bothering me. He knows something is bothering me, though. I can't hide it from him. I told him nothing was wrong earlier, and he didn't buy it for a second. On one hand, I want to tell him I thought his behavior sucked and that he was acting like a jerk. On the other hand, I don't want to fight about something which makes me out to a super-sensitive bitch that can't handle a few comments which I myself provoked. Maybe he'll end up reading this and be angry with me. I doubt it, though. He doesn't visit my site. That's probably a good thing. Although there have been a few assumptions, this site isn't necessarily the key to unlocking me. Sure, one can get an interesting perspective on me by reading these pages, but that doesn't mean I'm the ultimate open book. Like I'd ever put everything I thought and felt here. I'm all stocked up on crazies and stalkers for the meantime. Now is not a good time to incite more attention. All I know is that this is a good way for me to get things out in a healthy manner. It's a lot cheaper than therapy. Well, it's almost 2am of this silly holiday and I've got laundry to worry about. It's Thanksgiving and I do have a lot to be thankful for. Sure, I'm a misery chick on certain levels, but I know that I have it better than a lot of people. I just need to remind myself of that from time to time. |
Don't worry if this entry made no sense, it doesn't have to and that wasn't my main objective.
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